Denial.

I accept I am with child.

I accept that the baby is growing.

I accept that my body will change.

I accept that the baby is mine.

There are certain things that I have not come to terms with.

1. I have a beer belly.  So most people would expect this yes, but I have not. I keep looking at myself in the mirror and I notice that things are expanding in the tummy region. Funny as it is, years of trying to get in shape immediately causes me to think, “Geez, you need to eat better and exercise more.” It’s a losing battle for the next 5 months. It takes Binks to remind me that there is a wee one in there. And by remind I mean everyday two-three times a day.

2. I need new clothes.  This relates to #1. As a lot of my clothes are already loose, I keep thinking, I’ll wait until I can’t fit into my clothes to buy new ones. Let me tell you why this is dumb. Just because I can fit into my jeans/pants/etc. standing up, doesn’t mean that it feels so wonderful sitting down. So, for the past week, I have been unbuttoning my pants while seated. (Insert judgment here.) Tis not a pretty sight my friends. Thank goodness I have my own office and I own my own firm and I work with my husband.

3. I have gas.  I know TMI. I apologize. This speaks for itself. I keep saying – Oh, I must have eaten something bad. Binks just rolls his eyes – from halfway across the room at that point.

4. My boobs are huge.  And don’t get me started on the n-word. Again, TMI – I apologize. But we’re all friends right? Pre-pregnancy, I had some knockers, let me tell ya! Let’s say I understand Jessica Simpson’s pain. I didn’t like it then, and I certainly don’t like it now. And have they grown. The first three months were a disaster because they would be large and extremely sore. Luckily the latter part has subsided. And again, as for the n-word, it’s like watching a tattoo spread in shapes and change colors that you don’t even want to describe. Again, I apologize.

5. I get tired.  Like early. I’m usually an 11 p.m. sleeper but lately, it’s been 9:30 p.m. at the latest. It’s a great thing.

6. Things hurt.  Aside from #4 issues, my back and my joints hurt. Things are popping. Not in a pop-and-lock way but an “I’m-falling-apart” way. Silver lining: I get back massages almost every day.

7. The scale is increasing.  Oh Lord, don’t even get me started on this mess. I know it’s baby weight, but because I, like others, have been taught to care what the scale says, the number is climbing and I’m panicking. I’ve learned to calm down as my clothes fit almost everywhere except my boobs (see #4) and belly (see #1), which only really leaves my arms and calves. Oy ve.

8. I have to tell people I’m pregnant.  It’s a weird thing. Let me tell you. When you get engaged, you can show someone a ring or someone will notice. Here, there is no proper way to ease into it, and you don’t really want to wait until someone will notice. So, I’ve been saying ridiculous things like this: “I’m with child.” “Turns out I’m knocked up.” Thank God for good and understanding friends!

9. Crazy Dreams.  My dreams are wicked. Insane. Crazy. I dreamt that someone was trying to steal my baby a la Rosemary’s Baby, and I was planning an escape route. That’s a tame one. It is nuts.

10. I will be a good mom.  I’m a mess. A hot mess. I forget my cell phone in the car. I forget whether I closed the garage completely, thus having to turn around just to be sure. Did I mention I’m also OCD? I leave dishes in the sink sometimes because I’m too tired to wash them that night. I don’t cook dinner every night. I mean compared to my mom, I’m a disaster. My mom had a fresh-cooked meal for us every night. She never forgot anything for her, my dad or for us kids. She always washed the dishes no matter how tired she was. I fear that I might be too selfish.

All in all, this is probably one of the best experiences of my life. I have not felt so much fear, joy, anxiety, and excitement all at one time.

And, most of all, I’m really glad that I have you to share it with. Thank you for listening!  🙂

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19 Comments

Filed under Life, Pregnancy

19 responses to “Denial.

  1. I love this post. You’re going to be a great mom! xo

  2. but I bet that beer belly is cute on you. And I bet your husband loves those boobs! and I bet you can get away gas and blame in on the baby pushing on your gut. haha.

  3. ‘Turns out I’m knocked up’ LOL! Don’t worry about looking like you have a beer belly- I have one and I am not pregnant nor do I drink beer 🙂

  4. Oh wow, I just learned so much, haha! I really wonder how I’m going to handle the weight gain thing when we’re pregnant. Probably not well, haha! Thanks for your honesty in this post, Susan!

  5. Ah the in-between stage where you aren’t all belly so people don’t really know you are pregnant but you feel huge and fat. It does get better I promise. When you finally “pop” and are all belly and people start givng you seats or opening doors. You will feel super sexy. After the birth its weird jelly belly but that too gets better.

    I was thinking today that I can’t wait for my boobs to go back down. Really they will engorge after the birth and then settle into a size at around 6 weeks… if you breastfeed. And when I mean engorge I mean 2 cup sizes bigger. Oy

    You will be a good mom. You will figure out how to make things work for you and your family. You will figure out how to function on no sleep (sleep now) and you will love your kid more than you ever imagined. There were always be mom.guilt but you do your best.

  6. i’m finding out all sorts of things i have to look forward to someday 🙂

  7. WOAH. When did you get pregnant???

    Must go read archives. I can’t BELIEVE that I missed this!! (FYI- I’m 14 weeks 😀 )

  8. Also, fatigue will ease up 2nd Trimester. Wicked dreams are common. My boobs are huge too. I was DD before now… well I don’t want to think about it. My areolas haven’t darkened they’ve actually lightened up…. and uhm gas gets worse.

    Peeing? Every 15 minutes.

    Listening to the baby’s heartbeat for the first time? Precious. Planning a baby shower? AWESOME. Registries are the bomb dot com.

  9. You sound exactly like my friend Jaime during the beginning stages of her pregnancy. I promise it won’t always feel so “foreign”. You’ll get the hang of this pregnancy thing… :p

    And also, Target maternity is apparently awesome.

  10. Pregnancy is a beautiful thing even though the body goes through this HUGE metamorphosis.
    You will be a wonderful mother and the exact mother that baby needs!

  11. Oh, I love this! Thank you for sharing with us. LOL “I’m with child.” I’ve watched my sisters go through pregnancies so none of this is too shocking and I think it’s great that you are documenting this time here on the blog. It will be incredible to look back and read it. 🙂

  12. Love your post! These are all the goodies I will be looking forward to one day, yikes! hehe

    I remember when my boss had to tell everyone she was pregnant. One person said “oh you’re gaining some wait huh?”. Then she was like, oh man…I guess it’s time.

  13. I think “I’m with child” is the best line ever. I laughed so hard!

  14. Having gas is something you earn when you are pregnant…oh and once you hit 70+.
    I really like the “Turns out I’m knocked up” line. hehe

  15. Lindsay

    I loved reading this!! I have 2 boys aged 2 and 3, so I have gone through all of the same things.
    Believe it or not, your boobs will get even bigger, but the good new is that sometimes, after birth and breastfeeding, they actually get smaller than before you were pregnant.
    Don’t worry that you won’t be a good mom, sometimes the moms who are the least structured end up with more laid back children, definitely a good thing.

  16. I completely understand where you are coming from! I was terrified and I mean TERRIFIED of gaining weight. And when I had to go from my regular clothes to hideous maternity wear at around 6 months I almost lost it. But in the end I only gained about 20 pounds and I swear to you that I 15 of it when Maya was delivered. I bet you’ll be the same!

    Now for the positives…at least you get boobs. I have never had any and never will.And you will be a fabulous mother because you are already worried about being a fabulous mother. It’s the people who approach parenthood with a total cavalier attitude that worry me.

    I’m just an email away if you need to chat or vent my friend. I know where you are coming from so don’t hesitate!

  17. Also, as far as maternity wear goes I highly recommend Lucy and Lululemon. Of course they aren’t traditional sources of maternity clothes but they have things that will stretch around the waistband and if you wear a long shirt on top nobody will notice they are not regular pants.

    Old Navy Maternity and Target are pretty good too but their quality is a bit…tricky.

  18. Pingback: The Second Cousin | OliePants

  19. best of luck! Im sure u will be a great mommy! 🙂

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